Wow, that was actually pretty painful to read. I think this has gone well past the point where I'd have to accept straight up that the other person just isn't remotely interested. Even someone who's ace would at least have an inkling of what you're shooting for.
I know, I know, it's supposed to be funny, but where do you even go from here? XD She could probably ask Yuzu to marry her and Yuzu might say yes thinking it's some kind of cute game.