Forum › So, Do You Want To Go Out, Or? discussion

Finding Jessica Lambert
joined Jun 20, 2020

Thank you karp and firelizard for sharing your opinions, I enjoyed very much reading it and giving a thought.

For me it was interesting to think about border lines between sexuality and identity, and I'm finding this case with Saeko as very good example which shows how blurry the borders are when we are ending one spectrum entering the other.

This is the reason why I'm perceiving Saeko as a border case, she has an unclear mixture in herself about sexuality and gender identity expressions. Comfortable with female body, but unable to express her femininity through it. She can't receive her pleasure on that way.

So, we are questioning now, why? Some think it's trauma, some think is insecurity, some think it's self-hatred, etc. Always some issues.
And from manga we see how Saeko is very uncomfortable to lie. She feels how she feels, and in certain situation, as a bottom, she feels like betraying herself lying to be who she is not.
She is lying herself, she is lying Miwa,... and she cries.

Top and bottom are just assumed gender roles of male and female, but reality proves it's not connected to physical parts of a person. It's a question of identity, an abstract category and question of soul and consciousness. How we express ourselves sexually, or identify, it's about our mind and soul.
I observe it through transgender spectrum from that reason (like "metatrans" situation, a lesbian sexuality "transitioned" into form of attraction to females, even if females are usually attracted to males).
I think many people are living on the border, having a blurry line and some mixture of man-woman, expressing it through sexuality, or identity.
Transition would be just taking actions to correct the body if it goes in deeper level, but it's entering a transsexual spectrum...

Why Saeko must have any issue to feel how she feels?
I don't see any illness when someone is uncomfortable to express a certain gender role through sexuality, like Saeko. It's a common thing if we observe straight couples.
Maybe it's not a problem with her, but with environment, or expectations of environment?

last edited at Aug 14, 2020 3:37PM

52722-l
joined Nov 8, 2017

Saeko (and most anime/manga characters) be like

AnimexObsession
Screenshot%20(107)
joined Dec 27, 2014

Every chapter increases my intense longing to drag Saeko's ass to therapy

I really feel for Saeko in this chapter. Her self-esteem issues are very relatable.

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joined Aug 29, 2019

Reading the new chapter:
Ok, Coworker-San knows what's up, should advise them more.
Page 8: It's getting hard to continue, the cringe is strong. Uncomfortably real, though.
Page 9: "It's all about communication!" The irony in that sentence made me laugh.
Page 19: I'm starting to become indifferent. Honestly at this point Sae's missed so many fucking opportunities (literally) to talk about what's bothering her, it's starting to frustrate me. I mean she's already at the point where she admits to herself that Miwa'd understand and forgive her, but no, she has to keep piling on more and more pain.

Saeko (and most anime/manga characters) be like

This is basically the one thing that currently keeps any issues from being resolved. Miwa has started talking, but Saeko can't respond in earnest yet. "You gotta read your partner's reactions" - well, it's not like there's any genuine reactions to read except "she's clearly uncomfortable, but tells me otherwise, so I is confusement". Miwa proabably is capable of reading her partner, but she's not getting good signals. If Saeko keeps that up, she'll ruin that relationship. Not, as others insinuate, because "there is no chemistry between the characters" (I think there absolutely is), but because she's unable to maintain any healthy romantic relationship if she won't talk about her issues.

As for the other discussions going on:

I would be very careful about asserting that Saeko's issues fall in the "trans" category, and I'd rather not rely on the vernacular. Though, having skipped back to chapter 19 and read up on what happened, it could seem possible that she's somewhat uncomfortable with her idea of womanhood. Being a tomboy is not a trans issue per se, though, and shouldn't be pathologised haphazardly. At its core it's simply having an atypical personality composition for a woman, not an incompatibility that requires transitioning or therapy to "resolve". Being top or bottom doesn't (or rather: shouldn't) depend on gender or sex either, it's (or rather: it should be) the result of the respective personality traits combined with which partner can maintain more awareness during sex. If mutual stimulation happens, the partner that's "more in control" should guide the interaction in accordance with the feedback they receive from their partner. It's slightly different in situations where only one party is being stimulated (as has always been the case here).

And here's where my wild hypothesis comes in: Saeko let go of her senses during sex in middle or high-school and went completely wild in the wrong situation, with an exploitative partner or ill-meaning third party recording everything. Tape got out, reputation ruined, self-respect ruined, mental blockade against "letting herself go" established and solidified, essentially she's suffering trauma due to what amounts to sexual abuse. Long hair could serve to be less recognisable as well as to distance herself from her old self. Thus she refuses to let Miwa take control or even stimulate herself in front of Miwa, and she can't switch off her brain when Miwa tries to "do her". Also explains her strong reaction when she met her old peers - they've long moved past the incident, while Saeko's never had the chance to get over it and just wants out of the situation.
What proof do I have? No concrete evidence, just wild speculation! I don't think that's what actually happened, but it's not entirely unrealistic either. I'm pretty confident that there's trauma one way or another, and it's something she's deathly afraid of talking about, which usually means it's considered extremely shameful to talk about.

joined Jun 12, 2019

I recently followed this author on twitter and she posted a preview of like chapter 42 the other day and it's still all I can think about. Why did I read it???? I skipped 20 chapters and caught a glimpse of the future, and now my reading experience is cursed by this sword of Damocles...

Anyway, sure seems Saeko's got some baggage, huh. I hope she learns to confide in Miwa if nothing else.

Really want you to spoil it for me omg

I can't tell if this is sarcastic or not, but...This is her twitter, venture in at your own risk. Apparently the new chapter just came out today:

https://twitter.com/_tmfly_

no I was serious lol thank youu

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joined Aug 29, 2019

Speaking of the creators posting previews of chapter 42... how many chapters are we behind o.O
Are we gonna get chapters as fast as SAD can put out new ones or is the Japanese release also just in the twenties? The former would be rad. Do people still say "rad"?

46-75
joined Jun 25, 2019

Speaking of the creators posting previews of chapter 42... how many chapters are we behind o.O
Are we gonna get chapters as fast as SAD can put out new ones or is the Japanese release also just in the twenties? The former would be rad. Do people still say "rad"?

Considering we are at 23 then we are 21 chapters behind. Last raw chapter was 44.

Finding Jessica Lambert
joined Jun 20, 2020

As for the other discussions going on:

I would be very careful about asserting that Saeko's issues fall in the "trans" category, ...............................................it could seem possible that she's somewhat uncomfortable with her idea of womanhood. Being a tomboy is not a trans issue per se, though, and shouldn't be pathologised haphazardly. At its core it's simply having an atypical personality composition for a woman, not an incompatibility that requires transitioning or therapy to "resolve".

"uncomfortable with her idea of womanhood."- It's enough to observe it through trans spectrum, even if she does not need to change pronounce, use hormones, etc.

All my points are aimed to show from Saeko's example how we can't make clear line "where woman ends and man begins".
I would rather say, tomBOY lesbian is a point where trans spectrum starts without necessity for that person to go further into transition to change physical features and sex.

I think problem is, people see transgender persons as someone who must change pronounce, use hormones, etc. and it happens going deeper into trans spectrum, where gender identity needs physical expression through change of body features. But if someone, like Saeko, can't express sexuality through female gender role which should be easy for her as woman, it's also trans issue.

Saeko IS having transgender issues without any needs to change anything.
But society rather loves to call her "mentally ill woman", "not enough a woman", "broken woman"..., than accept it as transgender issue. It's easier to observe it through physical level, than through an abstraction as gender identity.

So, for that "symptoms" which Saeko is expressing, we must find the way to justify our way of thinking and find a reasons "what's wrong with her". So, she must be a victim of something or someone, that we can have pity on her, or understand her sufferings. If we exalt her situation on gender identity level, we won't comprehend her feelings.
And that's why many rather would call her mentally ill woman, than to understand her as normal and healthy person with trans issues who is in "wrong physical position" passing through wrong circumstances in life.

She could have hardships from the past with her sexuality, but I think it did not change her core; she still identifies herself as a top, because even if she was forced to be a bottom, it can't make her the bottom (-same as forcing a gay person to have hetero sex will not turn them straight-).
Technically, she will always faking in that position, and it's bothering her. She can't make Miwa happy receiving pleasures on that way, and it makes her sad and frustrated- she must lie to her to make her happy. And it's not possible. How can you give of yourself something what you don't have??? Or be who you are not without faking?

last edited at Aug 14, 2020 10:48PM

Img_0186
joined Jul 18, 2020

I recently followed this author on twitter and she posted a preview of like chapter 42 the other day and it's still all I can think about. Why did I read it???? I skipped 20 chapters and caught a glimpse of the future, and now my reading experience is cursed by this sword of Damocles...

Anyway, sure seems Saeko's got some baggage, huh. I hope she learns to confide in Miwa if nothing else.

Really want you to spoil it for me omg

I can't tell if this is sarcastic or not, but...This is her twitter, venture in at your own risk. Apparently the new chapter just came out today:

https://twitter.com/_tmfly_

no I was serious lol thank youu

no problem

Img_0186
joined Jul 18, 2020

As for the other discussions going on:

I would be very careful about asserting that Saeko's issues fall in the "trans" category, ...............................................it could seem possible that she's somewhat uncomfortable with her idea of womanhood. Being a tomboy is not a trans issue per se, though, and shouldn't be pathologised haphazardly. At its core it's simply having an atypical personality composition for a woman, not an incompatibility that requires transitioning or therapy to "resolve".

I think problem is, people see transgender persons as someone who must change pronounce, use hormones, etc. and it happens going deeper into trans spectrum, where gender identity needs physical expression through change of body features. But if someone, like Saeko, can't express sexuality through female gender role which should be easy for her as woman, it's also trans issue.

I wouldn't call bottoming the like, intrinsically female sexual gender role. That's just too strict a rule to adhere to. Women are still women even if they hate bottoming, and some women just do hate bottoming. I don't think Saeko is out of the ordinary in that regard at all. In her case I do think her baggage is affecting her sex life to some extent, but I don't think all women who hate bottoming must have trauma around it or anything. Sometimes that's just how it is.

Like, trans men can enjoy bottoming while still being trans men. Cis men can prefer to bottom and still be cis men. I think gender, and gender expression, and sexuality are a lot more complicated than just how you prefer to have sex.

Saeko: is driven to tears by the realization that her self-hatred is ruining her relationship

Dynasty-scans comments: Ph.D. thesis on gender studies

Img_0186
joined Jul 18, 2020

Saeko: is driven to tears by the realization that her self-hatred is ruining her relationship

Dynasty-scans comments: Ph.D. thesis on gender studies

I'm a combined philosophy/sociology major, how dare you /s

Finding Jessica Lambert
joined Jun 20, 2020

......................................But if someone, like Saeko, can't express sexuality through female gender role which should be easy for her as woman, it's also trans issue.

I wouldn't call bottoming the like, intrinsically female sexual gender role. That's just too strict a rule to adhere to. Women are still women even if they hate bottoming, and some women just do hate bottoming. I don't think Saeko is out of the ordinary in that regard at all. In her case I do think her baggage is affecting her sex life to some extent, but I don't think all women who hate bottoming must have trauma around it or anything. Sometimes that's just how it is.

Like, trans men can enjoy bottoming while still being trans men. Cis men can prefer to bottom and still be cis men. I think gender, and gender expression, and sexuality are a lot more complicated than just how you prefer to have sex.

I said:
" female gender role" , not bottoming.
In that case she is acting more closely to trans spectrum

And: "Top and bottom are just assumed gender roles of male and female, but reality proves it's not connected to physical parts of a person. It's a question of identity, an abstract category and question of soul and consciousness. How we express ourselves sexually, or identify, it's about our mind and soul.
I observe it through transgender spectrum from that reason (like "metatrans" situation, - lesbian sexuality "transitioned" into form of attraction to females, even if females are usually attracted to males).
I think many people are living on the border, having a blurry line and some mixture of man-woman, expressing it through sexuality, or (gender) identity.
....

Why Saeko must have any issue to feel how she feels?
I don't see any illness when someone is uncomfortable to express a certain gender role through sexuality, like Saeko....."

So, we somehow agree to "Sometimes that's just how it is." as you said, without trauma or anything. And to many other points, just expressing it through different styles...

What I'm trying to explain, I'm observing terms "trans and transition" philosophically, like crossing over from one point to another, diametrically opposed. And I'm applying it on gender observing Saeko case.

Her mentality is more like cis straight male, what makes her behavior like behavior of someone who is in transgender spectrum.

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joined Aug 29, 2019

"uncomfortable with her idea of womanhood."- It's enough to observe it through trans spectrum, even if she does not need to change pronounce, use hormones, etc.

All my points are aimed to show from Saeko's example how we can't make clear line "where woman ends and man begins".
I would rather say, tomBOY lesbian is a point where trans spectrum starts without necessity for that person to go further into transition to change physical features and sex.

Definition of transgender (from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/transgender )

: of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity differs from the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth especially : of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity is opposite the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth

I don't see how her gender identity differs from the sex she was assigned at birth. Being tomboy requires being a woman and identifying as such (cf. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/tomboy ). Being tomboy isn't pathologic in the slightest. It doesn't necessarily cause pain. Traditionally, being trans does (ICD-10 code F64: Gender Identity Disorder, though the APA and the American DSM-5 differ). Tomboy is a description for behavior and personality that aren't typical for a woman, nothing more. Her gender and sex are still both "woman".

Even if we use the later definition of the term, stated for example in the Britannica ( https://www.britannica.com/topic/transgender ), she still doesn't qualify as trans: "In a later and broader sense, it has come to designate persons whose gender identities incorporate behaviours and traits traditionally associated with the opposite sex."
Simply because she still identifies as a woman, tomboy or not.

I think problem is, people see transgender persons as someone who must change pronounce, use hormones, etc. and it happens going deeper into trans spectrum, where gender identity needs physical expression through change of body features. But if someone, like Saeko, can't express sexuality through female gender role which should be easy for her as woman, it's also trans issue.

I do believe, in fact, that it is reasonable to tie transgenderism to the idea that change or transition are called for, in order to alleviate discomfort and distress.
No one's identity equals the stereotype of their gender. If we lower the bar for "being trans" to "somewhat deviating from the traditional gender role", everybody is trans (or at least "on the trans spectrum") and the term lost all meaning.
I also don't see that Saeko can't express sexuality through her feminine gender role, unless you think "being penetrated and bottoming" is "the one and only feminine gender role" in sex. Giving pleasure through manual and oral stimulation is very much an expression of feminine sexuality.

Saeko IS having transgender issues without any needs to change anything.
But society rather loves to call her "mentally ill woman", "not enough a woman", "broken woman"..., than accept it as transgender issue. It's easier to observe it through physical level, than through an abstraction as gender identity.

The most important indicator for a mental disorder is psychologically induced suffering over a longer period of time. I think it's pretty obvious that this is the case here. Even if her being subconsciously trans (remember, her overt identity is still "woman") is the root cause of the problem, she's still suffering and needs help.

So, for that "symptoms" which Saeko is expressing, we must find the way to justify our way of thinking and find a reasons "what's wrong with her". So, she must be a victim of something or someone, that we can have pity on her, or understand her sufferings. If we exalt her situation on gender identity level, we won't comprehend her feelings.

I linguistically don't follow, especially in the last sentence. Thus I can't say if I intellectually or logically follow.

And that's why many rather would call her mentally ill woman, than to understand her as normal and healthy person with trans issues who is in "wrong physical position" passing through wrong circumstances in life.

She is psychologically not a "healthy person". Whether her issues be trans (for which I see insufficient evidence so far) in nature or trauma based, she is not well. We can't properly diagnose her, obviously, but we can assess that something is amiss. Perceived suffering is what differentiates a harmless quirk from a psychological disorder.

Technically, she will always faking in that position, and it's bothering her. She can't make Miwa happy receiving pleasures on that way, and it makes her sad and frustrated- she must lie to her to make her happy. And it's not possible. How can you give of yourself something what you don't have??? Or be who you are not without faking?

People change, we're not set in stone. Even once we've established our identity, or rather identities, we are malleable and will adapt to new input, new experiences and new situations.

EDIT / Addendum: I can't, however, remember any instance in which Saeko was referred to as a girl or a woman (other than maybe girlfriend), especially by herself. Thus it's still possible that she's keeping her transgender identity in the closet and hiding it from Miwa, who's explicitly lesbian and thus might not take kindly to Saeko coming out as a man. Could also explain her issues, would fall in the transgender spectrum, wouldn't necessarily require transition, maybe not even therapy, but it would require finally talking about it...

last edited at Aug 15, 2020 6:21AM

46-75
joined Jun 25, 2019

I think you deep down too much

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joined Aug 29, 2019

I think you deep down too much.

To quote myself from another thread:

Down the rabbit hole we go!

You're probably right. Especially since I wrote most of that right after getting up, before having anything to eat.

Img_0215
joined Jul 29, 2017

I know at least four self-identified tomboys (and a couple other people who present as tomboys, but I don’t know how they identify), and they all differ substantially in terms of sexual orientation and gender identity.

One has said, “If I were growing up these days, maybe I would have thought about transitioning.” The others, in their different ways, seem quite happy where they are.

Using “trans” as the overall concept for any non-gender-conforming presentation seems like it lumps together far too many disparate ideas.

joined Jul 16, 2020

Regarding the discussion about tomboys and their gender/sexual expression, I would personally consider myself more of a Tomboy (now as an adult I embrace both feminine and masculine traits however), tho I used to be the most tomboyish during my Teenager years when I struggled with my identity. I pretty much hated anything girly and tried to act as much as a boy as possible and never really understood why. I always thought I wanted to be a boy even tho I didn't really had anything against being a girl but now that I'm grown up and look back, I can actually understand why I felt that way.

I grew up in a pretty conservative and homophobic town so fitting into gender roles was still pretty popular there. Since I couldn't identify with the role I was given based on my gender, I thought I had to act like the opposite gender in order not to get associated with that role. Additionally, I liked girls but since Homosexuality was a taboo thing in my town to discuss, I had no idea that girls could like girls and that only boys were allowed to do that. Once I grew up I understood that the whole forced gender role concept was bullshit and girls could indeed do and behave however they wanted and I was simply a victim of a sexist and homophobic mindset. After realising that, I became comfortable with my womanhood while simultaneously embracing both masculine and feminine traits about me. I also would feel comfortable with being both top and bottom or rather I don't really like to label myself as dominant or passive because sex can be way more than just these two roles.

Also, people used to tell me I should've been born a boy because of my behavior and interests which only fueled the sexist idea that women couldn't do and like the same things men do. But now I understand that we are actually individuals and our interests are not necessarily dependent on our gender, so yeah. That was my journey :P

last edited at Aug 15, 2020 2:09PM

Finding Jessica Lambert
joined Jun 20, 2020

All what I am saying about Saeko, is the mixture of two spectrum (opposites) in herself, and I'm saying that we can't make it so clear and define her like, "she is a woman and female" or "she is a transgender". - personally, I can't feel Saeko completely as a woman, I'm not getting that vibe from her, especially from her mentality.-
And we must not forget "Prince Sae" and her escape from it, and I hope we'll soon find out her reasons for escape from it, in next chapters.

I don't want to define Saeko as trans guy, but knowing my partner and his experiences, it's almost same what is happening to Saeko, and I'm pointing on it.

I'm saying, what Saeko feels, can lead some person at some point in life into realization how that person is transgender.

My partner is not some younger trans guy, but he is not old as well. Anyway, he did not have surgeries, just HRT as "first aid" to feel better and more himself (our circumstances in life are complicated and I don't wish to go there publicly).

When he was younger, he experienced "watching his body from above" during sex, but with a male, and he said to me it was NTR experience, like his body was cheating on him. (We are reading together this manga, and he gave me permission to write this, and he can see it if he wish).

He also said how he felt how he is constantly lying and faking (himself and everyone), but he did not know in that time to point out what exactly it was.
And he also felt how he is lacking womanhood and femininity, especially mentally. And when he was wearing girly clothes, he felt like cross dressing. And he did not know for so long time what is happening with him.
He was living for a long time out as a lesbian, but he said it felt like cheating (still not knowing why).
He tried to live in het relationship, and felt the same, like cheating, adding NTR feelings what I described few rows above.
Realizing he is trans put everything at the place, and he started to understand himself and his behavior, wishes, desires, etc.

I'm not saying Saeko is going to realize the same, but it is possible, also.
I'm just pointing, there is a place where two opposites are touching in a same point, and person who is at that point, have characteristics of both opposites.
And must learn to make a peace between them, inner peace.
My partner as a trans guy learnt it, living by life circumstances in that point, having two opposing sides in himself. He stopped his inner war, accepting both sides, no matter how those sides are diametrically opposed. He is not genderfluid, he is transgender man, and I know it.
My awareness and acceptance who he is is helping him a lot. He does not feel like cheating to me. His body is a female, his soul is the soul of one of the kindest man I know.
That position, man in body of a woman, is giving him beauty and tenderness which I can't find in any other man (male), nor in woman.
He is my joy and my happiness, and I'm protecting him unconditionally.
With him, I have all in one. He is my everything.

So, there are transgender persons who can find some compromises making or not making any physical change. I'm sure my partner would go all the way, transitioning, in other circumstances.
But sometimes circumstances in life are not quite favorable, but it does not mean we need to stop living or fall in despair.

About Saeko, comparing with my story, maybe she would be also fine if she feels accepted by her partner (Miwa now) for who she is (but first to accept who she is by herself). And she is still hiding who she is.

last edited at Aug 15, 2020 3:36PM

Finding Jessica Lambert
joined Jun 20, 2020

@MochaKiss

I am very happy to hear that you've found your own place as an individual.
Comparing your story to story of my partner who is transgender man, I see the first step to personal happiness and peace was acceptance of the both sides equally, stopping inner war no matter what caused it.
As you said:
"After realising that, I became comfortable with my womanhood while simultaneously embracing both masculine and feminine traits about me."

How it will develop further, depends on an individual. That's the point where life will exalt on another level.

Point is, having any mixture can lead to disaster of life if we live in inner war of our sides, or lead to something very powerful and exceptional if we find union of our previously conflicted sides, within ourselves.
We just need to reach that point where we learn to live as wholeness of ourselves. And everyone is individually some mixture of opposites (confusions about sexuality, about genders, anything...), and everyone have own story.

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joined Aug 29, 2019

@MochaKiss
@Finding Jessica Lambert

Both your stories were greatly insightful in light of the Manga at hand, thank you for sharing.
Especially the parallels to the story of FJL's boyfriend/partner are striking (I am torn between saying boyfriend to reinforce the gender, and sticking with partner to acknowledge the implied permanent nature of the relationship - language is sometimes slightly frustrating). This completely explains why you suggest Saeko might be trans, and it's absolutely a possibility at this point in the story.

I'd suggest that it's still equally possible that she's "just" a tomboy lesbian. What stops me from assuming her to be trans is that, while she's expressed dislike and even disgust towards the notion of feeling sexual pleasure, and particularly being on the receiving end, the only instances of her showing discontent with her "being a woman" are her preference to wear her hair short and her previous nickname "Prince Sae", and I ultimately don't really see how those two have to clash with her being a woman. She could be all that and a woman, at least from what we know.

In any case it'll be just as interesting to find out what exactly her problem is as well as why she stopped "being Prince Sae".

My views on the story in no way invalidate or discredit your or your partner's stories. You have done your soul-searching, found your path and walked it to a solution that gave you a degree of peace. As you said yourself, how it develops further depends on the individual.

Also can we acknowledge once again what a bang up job SAD are doing with the translation?

Finding Jessica Lambert
joined Jun 20, 2020

@Zormau

Thank you very much for your kind words, and don't bother yourself with language, you are not disrespectful. I'm glad you understand now my perspective and pointing out to the other possibility (transgender) as an outcome observing current Saeko's state in this manga.

I have doubts that Saeko will finally come out as a transgender, in this story. I agree with you about it. And I'm really curious to read next chapters.

This manga is very realistic, touching very interesting subtle lines about "border gender identities", and that's why I was saying why we must observe those struggles through two spectrum overlap. An outcome will depend on person to person, as we all agreed as participants in this discussion.
I was glad to share something from my life and experience with my transgender boyfriend/partner, to clarify my points of view.

I wish to add something.

Homosexual and transgender and all the other people whoever however they are, existed before the Internet, and more more before it. Internet is just helping people to figure out things faster, finding similar experiences. So they are not losing time of life as before, like my transgender boyfriend who simply did not know the word and explanations for his feelings. And it does not make him stupid.
So he spent a lot of time trying this, trying that, before realization. Anyway it helped later, and now he is very rich in life-experiences, wise and understanding, and we are helping each other, developing and growing as persons together. And if something we shared here can help to anyone else, give some hope or insights in life, we are glad.

last edited at Aug 15, 2020 8:46PM

Kiarabg
joined Sep 6, 2018

This is some really cool discussion here, and I want to weigh in as a trans woman. My take on this is that Saeko’s discomfort here seems to me like struggling with any kind of vulnerability. She’s holding really tightly onto unprocessed trauma and doesn’t want anyone to see it. In fact, we see that she wants to perhaps communicate her business to Miwa, but can’t, is too afraid, doesn’t know how. We don’t know all the details, but she’s clearly holding onto some stuff around attachment/vulnerability and around “exposing” her issues through having her possessiveness recognized or her issues noticed.

That combination of being alergic to vulnerability, afraid of being “seen,” and all of that intertwining with gender and sexuality is a scenario that’s really familiar with trans people, and this author writes some really realistic emotions, which make perfect sense in terms of their source, direction, and expression.

When Saeko talked about not wanting to receive, being disgusted by the way she would respond, and dissociating super hard when she was receiving, I felt that. Even the “being super critical and judgmental of yourself to keep things hidden and safe,” that was hella real. These are all defense mechanisms of retreat and withdrawal, and all of them involve not being able to inhabit and connect with your body. Saeko seems to be a top because she has to enact her sexual desire through another’s body, in much the same way I and other trans people turn to fantasy and fiction or pleasing our partners to engage with our own sexuality without involving the gendered features of our bodies.

Is Saeko “gender-y”/trans, or is she holding trauma that alienates her from her body? It’s impossible to call right now imo, but I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough.

(Also Sexy Akiba Detectives fucking rule.)

riverFlower Uploader
The Golden Orchid
joined Jan 19, 2017

@Linterdiction, a measured response, thank you for sharing.

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