Haha, it's pretty funny, because I didn't have any trouble understanding/even notice that there was anything awkward about the translation on my first reading, maybe because I'm too used to Japanese too. It just made total sense to me. So I just wanted to say that, although you've received a lot of constructive criticism and there is definitely a lot of room to improve, you've already done a lot to deserve appreciation with what you've put out so far.
Well, no. The translation isn't so bad that I can't understand anything at all. While you can tell the translation definitely leans more on the Japanese structure and meaning, I've seen far worse (not to call anyone out, but CGrascal is a serious offender when it comes to terrible literal translations). It isn't so literal that if there needs to be a new revision uploaded RIGHT NOW. It's sorta like... "Hey yeah, that makes perfect sense but that's not how you would normally say it".
Like the first page, for example. "Won't you be late if you don't run?" Makes perfect sense and it's totally fine, but you would normally hear people say something like "Won't you be late if you don't hurry?". Means pretty much the same thing but it just kinda flows out of the mouth more smoothly. And maybe "astronautical observation" to "star gazing". Either is fine, but the latter is better. In fact the only line that really bothered me was on page 3 (the left side of the two page spread) where Momo talks about Mako's math troubles. That was the only line that had me re-read it again to understand it. All this being said, I'm also stupid and don't deal directly with the translating portion when I work on stuff so feel free to ignore everything I said if you disagree.
I thank Yoori for the editing praise, but it took time effort and learning to get to that point, and I have a ways to go yet. For instance, the two page spread was pretty bad on my first redraw. Then, after I had done more and learned more, I went back and redraw it again from the begining. Then still later, I redraw again starting from the second redraw, and of course continued to make small changes for a while. What is posted here is effectively already the forth or fifth revision.
I praise you for the fact that though you have a long way to go, you're already quite far ahead. I've worked with people who've edited many many doujins/manga and they couldn't even do the simpler redraws (textures) let alone do what you've done so yeah I give praise where praise is due. Heck, you're arguably better than me. If there's any knowledge that I want to pass on to newer editors, it's that redrawing is something you will never get right on your first time. There is always something that needs to be redone. Maybe that line you redrew is 1px thicker than the other lines. Maybe that screentone is a tad darker than the others. Maybe you didn't align the dots in a pattern perfectly. A typical redraw (actual redraw of hair/fingers/body/etc.) takes at least 3 layers for me and I'm constantly going back before I send it out as acceptable. In fact, one of the biggest reasons I love going freelance is that I can take as much time with getting the editing just perfect whereas when I worked in a scanlation group, I was getting pressured to turn in subpar edits in under a week due to time constraints. There really isn't a single perfect way to redraw and it's one of the big things I've noticed every editor be different on. Everyone has their own method of redrawing and the fact that you take the time to go back and check on it shows that you care a lot about your work and that's a good thing.It's very normal that I open up the same .psd file at least 3 times to tweak something. My translator has to actually repeatedly convince me that a page looks good before I relent.
So yeah, no worries that you look over your stuff over and over. That's normal. I don't think a single editor ever finishes up a page once and calls it perfect. For fonts, it's really personal presence mixed with how the text in the RAW looks. When in doubt, you can never go wrong with Wild Words though I would much rather see you use other fonts. But it looks like I got gently turned down on getting any contact information :P
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