Read left to right Moderate amounts of cheese Molestation Yuri

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'Sup, been doing this here oneshot for the past few months, just a little silly story but the idea has been stuck in my head for some time so i decided to make it once and for all to get out of my head
I'm also not too used to draw comics so you can notice changes in the art style in between some pages, but heck, i had fun making it so i hope you guys have fun reading it
Do try to not stare at the thumbnails too much, spoiler's kind of a bitch o_o XD Imgur is the only host with a reader style album that i found which worked nicely

That was pretty amusing, I liked your story's mood (shadows worked really well with it) and characters. Anatomy/proportions could use some work sometimes. The SDs didn't work too well (for me, of course) in the story.
Overall, good job. Congratulations on your oneshot! ( ﾟДﾟ)b

Also:

The succubus vampire who knew math

...now I want to watch that.

last edited at Jun 3, 2015 9:30PM

Anatomy/proportions could use some work sometimes. The SDs didn't work too well (for me, of course) in the story.

I shamefully admit that i overused the Shin-chan face 'cause i completely suck at making faces from southwest/southeast, improving on that will be my next goal
Glad that you liked it though, i'm a little nervous now that i'm showing it, so this calms me a little

last edited at Jun 3, 2015 9:44PM

Oh! I forgot something: I also lov'd the last page.

it was really good :D...hope to do my own oneshot eventually

I gotta be perfectly honest, there's a lot in the story that confused me, especially at the beginning. Not going into too much detail, but even by the end of the story I don't know who the people she meets every day are, little if anything about the setting, and not that much about the two girls either. The verbal fencing between them was nice, and the bits at the arcade and apartment flowed pretty well although there were times they seemed to do things unexpectedly.

The art makes me think of the really oldschool stuff that western fans made based on anime and such back in the early 90s, the way the faces, bodies and hair were drawn, plus the heavy blacks. Not sure if that was deliberate, but it felt kind of nostalgic that way.

Certainly good for an early attempt in any case, although you really should take none's comment to heart and study up on your anatomy and structure leading up to your next project. The more of that you can do, the better your results will be.

I gotta be perfectly honest, there's a lot in the story that confused me, especially at the beginning. Not going into too much detail, but even by the end of the story I don't know who the people she meets every day are, little if anything about the setting, and not that much about the two girls either. The verbal fencing between them was nice, and the bits at the arcade and apartment flowed pretty well although there were times they seemed to do things unexpectedly.

My intentions with this one was to build the characters entirely from their interactions, Date had no idea who the hell that girl was so i didn't tell a single thing about her when they first meet and only let things get more clear from the conversations they have, in the grand scheme of things there's still a lot that they don't know about each other so i didn't show much from their lives and personalities when not talking with each other, that's the sort of thing they would learn later, the idea is how they got together even though they barely met and let the readers know about them just as much as they know about eachother except for the bits with Date and her friends
The same can be said about the world they live in, there's a convoluted explanation why they live among stickmens and dinossaurs and why the sun is all cartoony, but that isn't relevant this time, it's just the world where they live

The art makes me think of the really oldschool stuff that western fans made based on anime and such back in the early 90s, the way the faces, bodies and hair were drawn, plus the heavy blacks. Not sure if that was deliberate, but it felt kind of nostalgic that way.

I am indeed quite inspired by some old artists like Shingo Araki, i was actually quite curious at how the art would be recepted in a yuri with them spiky hairs and more shonen'ish style

Certainly good for an early attempt in any case, although you really should take none's comment to heart and study up on your anatomy and structure leading up to your next project. The more of that you can do, the better your results will be.

I certainly intend to improve myself, drawing comics is interesting 'cause it's most likely you'll end up drawing things that you don't normally draw in a standby drawing, though in this one i didn't really draw the most creative panels I did have a lot of fun drawing the arcade stuff, since it was the closest to an action scene this ever got to

last edited at Jun 3, 2015 10:52PM

I got that Date had no idea who the girl was, that wasn't the confusing bit and it got revealed pretty well throughout their interactions. It's her relationship with the others, are they friends? Co-workers? Shadowy government agency they're all under the unwilling control of? I have no idea, they just seem like random people with no clear relation, who meet in an ill-defined location every day to talk about planes. Stuff like that made me feel lost from the start, and the first thing that actually did make sense was Date not knowing who the long-haired girl was. I felt more on solid ground at that point.

I certainly intend to improve myself, drawing comics is interesting 'cause it's most likely you'll end up drawing things that you don't normally draw in a standby drawing, though in this one i didn't really draw the most creative panels I did have a lot of fun drawing the arcade stuff, since it was the closest to an action scene this ever got to

If you want to improve, I've got loads of advice if you're willing. First thing I'd do is grab yourself a copy of Figure Drawing For All Its Worth by Andrew Loomis. It may seem dated, which is understandable given it was written in 1943. But it's easy to find dozens of pros who swear by it. There's seriously tonnes of great info in it, and his manikin concept is a fantastic way to work out poses.

Second thing is to get yourself a good anatomy book. Constructive Anatomy by George Bridgeman or Atlas of Human Anatomy For the Artist by Stephen Rogers Peck. Both are pretty easy/cheap to get, and both have lots of good simplifaction of anatomy for artistic purposes (i.e., you don't need to know every muscle in the wrist works, but you need to know how they work as a unit, etc.). if you go the Bridgeman route, a good companion volume (and cheap as well) is The Human Figure by David K. Rubins.

For perspective, there are loads of good resources, but I like Perspective Made Easy by Ernest Norling, which is easily available and quite cheap.

Beyond that, find a place where you can do life drawing. Drawing real things and people is best by far for several reasons, but if you're really stuck for human models then a site like Pixelovely is an okay stopgap measure. Don't bother with Posemaniacs, by the way. The poses are okay, but the anatomy is very misleading.

Now at this point you're probably wondering why I'm recommending all this realistic stuff when you just wanna draw comics in your style. But the purpose of all this is to give you structure and a foundation to work from. Too many artists start from the style end, and honestly that's bass ackwards. It's like starting to build a house by putting paint and curtains on an empty lot, it just ends up as a mess. The best comic artists and animators know their anatomy and structure, and it'll help you too. Plus, it gets pretty fun to do and means you can vary your style in the end however you like.

But by all means keep drawing even thought you haven't learned all that stuff. Drawing no matter what is definitely key.

Oh, and while I'm at it a couple of resources for comic storytelling. You can't go wrong with Comics and Sequential Art by Will Eisner, and of course Scott McCloud's Understanding Comics and Making Comics. But you might also get some value out of a book on movie storytelling The Five C's of Cinematography by Joseph V. Mascelli since many of the concepts carry over.

Even if you don't take any of that on board, I'll be interested in seeing where you go with it.

last edited at Jun 3, 2015 11:37PM

BTW, one more recommendation if you're interested. Cartoon Animation by Preston Blair is excellent for learning how to add structure to stylized/cartoon figures. It's got great stuff that can be applied to pretty much any style, worth checking out.

Do try to not stare at the thumbnails too much, spoiler's kind of a bitch o_o XD Imgur is the only host with a reader style album that i found which worked nicely

You know, I've heard dynasty is a pretty good reader.
On the actual subject, I haven't had the opportunity to read it yet, will report once I do. Can I also request autographs before you get famous?

Just to point out something others have not: A lot of the speech bubbles are pretty cramped, texts touching speechbubble's borders, etc. Also try using a small set of different fonts to match expressions/shouting/etc, as well as different font sizes: small expressions like a "hmmm" could go without bubbles just flaoting there.

Can't say much about the writing, my brain has been mostly shutdown for days due to little sleep so I am pretty lost either way.

I like the use of solid black instead of shading with gradients. Was it all nighttime? kinda hard to know.

last edited at Jun 4, 2015 12:20AM

I gotta be perfectly honest, there's a lot in the story that confused me, especially at the beginning. Not going into too much detail, but even by the end of the story I don't know who the people she meets every day are, little if anything about the setting, and not that much about the two girls either. The verbal fencing between them was nice, and the bits at the arcade and apartment flowed pretty well although there were times they seemed to do things unexpectedly.

I didn't have a problem with any of that. I'm not sure if the setting matters all that much, especially considering how it isn't quite a "normal" reality. I expected the train to have a bigger role, but it ended up being just a normal train (which is fine).
The way I see and understand it, there were two girls in a strange world who met on a train, went on a date and discovered they like each other. More information about other characters wouldn't really serve a purpose nor would it be necessary.
The character dynamics were good, the bantering was nice, so if your intention was to built the characters from interactions, you've succeeded. Honestly, I didn't even feel that the names were necessary.

Can't really say much about the art except it looks distinctive and I like your use of blacks

I agree with what flips said. There were some minor spelling and grammatical errors, but I forgot to make notes. May edit this once I re-read.

Bottom line, I liked it and congrats on your first oneshot.

last edited at Jun 4, 2015 1:03AM

Nice job, I enjoyed the whole thing. I think everyone else pointed out the the flaws so I won't. WHERE'S THE NSFW?! SEQUEL?! Best credits ever

I shamefully admit that i overused the Shin-chan face

I...actually kinda liked it though...

Was it all nighttime? kinda hard to know.

The following takes place between 7:00 P.M. and 5:00 A.M.

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Hah, turns out my father who's a physical education teacher and used to draw as a hobby have some of the stuff Nezchan recommended, i'll definitively have a look and hopefully i'll deliver more quality the next time around

The speech bubbles is something i was aware about, but ended up cramped either way 'cause my initial predictions on how many pages this would end up having was far below 45 pages, did a lot more dialogues than i expected and the only way i could leave some breathing air was to make more panels and scatter the bubbles through them, but that could end up expanding the number of pages a lot more and not only did i not want to make a oneshot so big it would also be a heavy tool on me, those black shadows takes quite a time to complete, so i cramped them as much as i could so i do apologize for that
For the record at first i thought this would end up with 20~25 pages, by the time i finished sketching it was 40 pages and even when i started "inking" i ended up expanding to 45 pages, silly me

Oh, there's a little trick I heard from Walt Simonson (the artist who made Thor into something truly Epic) that might help with that. When you're planning it out, make your first run just little notes in the panels, dialogue, whatever you've got. You can use that to work out quickly how much goes on each page, tailor the length before you start sketching, set up for double-page spreads in the right places, and so on. Very handy.

Can't wait for your sisters solo series the Stickman family adventures in insert city name here