This chapter made me extraordinarily excited and it hurt.
Even with all the buildup and inevitability, during chapter 37 and the first half of ch.38, it still seemed like maybe Sayaka really did have a chance. Maybe Touko would do a 60 degree heel turn and head straight for the other side of the triangle, for that person who has always been there (even if not really). I consider that to be an amazing feature of Nakatani's writing, the sensitivity towards the complexity of people and human emotions, and the power of our choices in determining our lives, rather than just being helplessly guided by uncontrollable feelings. Because we truly don't know what will happen until Touko opens her mouth and finally reveals her choice.
This complexity is even more layered because despite it being a choice with both given choices being theoretically valid, we know what decision will be made. She could have chosen Sayaka. She really could have. Sayaka's confession made her happy, because who wouldn't be happy to know they are so unconditionally loved? But in this lifetime, with this set of events, she never would have. And that's because every set of choices she has made have led her up to this point. She has always chosen to love Yuu over Sayaka. She has always chosen to shut out Sayaka where she chose to let Yuu in. An entire 37 chapters of choices precede this decision, in which she consistently and reliably chooses Yuu to love. (Perhaps, it could be argued, her love has not always been "love", full, freeing and healthy, but in light of what those choices meant to her, that was love.) Just as her revised play character did, she is making choices based on what has happened to her. There could have been no other choice, Nakatani says, because her heart had chosen. That is what love is.
And it hurts. It hurts to let somebody in to such a great degree and to then become disconnected from them. And that is a part of love too, as painful or even annoying as that can be. I think the confession scene had one of the greatest displays of those sides of love. It's such a simple moment, in such a humble setting; there is no galaxy of stars overhead, no sunset in the distance, just the river flowing in the background and the ducks settling in. It gave me profound chills.
I loved the symbolism too as always. The duck on pg 27 flying in and skimming the water just as Sayaka said "she stepped in" hit home. I wasn't as sure about the boats actually. The implication was that two people in the boat would be able to navigate narrow places. Sayaka and Touko definitely did that. But I think it applies for many more situations than just that too, like Touko and Yuu navigating the play, and likewise. The fall(?) leaves were a symbol of change, and I couldn't quite tell if the ones on pg 11 were being pulled downstream or not. They could have represented Sayaka. But based on the placement of the words in the second panel, where Sayaka's talking about being disappointed, the leaves could also represent love in general. When she's saying she would be disappointed, the leaves are in the water, eventually rotting away, dying or dead love. And in the bottom-most panel of pg 11, a leaf is falling as she talks about "Loving someone..." It evoked the feeling of the risk inherent to love, for me at least. The necessity of falling, of having faith and trust in another, that is inherent to love. Then in the next page, the leaf lands on Touko. That is who that love was gifted to. Sayaka takes the leaf and holds it, and I think that represents her love for Touko, how it is wholly her own. A love in the shape of a leaf, subject to change and death, but still intact in that moment. It's a beautiful image.
I would go into extended analysis of the characters too and their internal worlds and changes, but I think it's been said enough already by others. And this chapter, to me at least, did stand out to me not so much for the characters, though of course that's still something I care about greatly, but for its declaration of what love is. I think Nakatani has said that the biggest question Bloom Into You has always striven to answer is what love is. This chapter finally provided a concrete answer for what that truth might be, and it was what evoked both excitement and hurt in me.
;-; wow... that was nice. I couldn’t even think of half of that. Thank you.
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