I mean life isn't fun at all so... life imitating art and vice versa and all that.
Nobody's ever gonna make me believe that this girl will ever have money problems.
Okay. I know this is meant as a joke, but it's not very funny.
Very little about this manga is genuinely funny, actually. Not for someone who suffers similarly, at least.
I hate that I relate so closely to her, it's painful. The more I read this, the more I wonder how much longer it'll be before she starts contemplating suicide. Every time she does something good, it comes crashing down at the end. Yes, she went out to a festival. That's great, getting out of the house is great. Then she got separated from her sister, and, upon reuniting with her, was humiliated. It's not just about making steps forward, because there's steps back as well, and those always feel more significant.
I've suffered like her for so very long, and after a long enough time it becomes impossible to remember what it was like when I didn't feel this horrible, and impossible to imagine a future where it isn't this way.
I'm not sure how many people here are like me, it seems like there's at least a handful of others with similar experiences. But when you've suffered so greatly for so long, you start to believe that it's normal. I was speaking with a doctor recently for a brief medical history interview (because I moved and have to get all that shit sorted out) and when I was asked about depression, my sentence ended with something along the lines of "but that's life, right?" and when she responded with "It doesn't have to be." I was overwhelmed. I had genuinely come to believe that I was going to feel like the worst piece of shit on earth for the rest of my life, and that was what was proper and meant to be. Even now I find it hard to believe I'll ever feel better, but I try to remember what she said to give myself some hope.
I'm 29, and the past 15 or so years of my life have been spent trying to find a way to allow me to feel normal. I've tried medication after medication, but nothing seems to work well enough to get me out of the downward spiral I've been in over those 15 years. After a long enough time of getting worse, you stop believing it can get better. It doesn't matter what merits you might have, or what other people see in you. It doesn't matter if you're smart or attractive or anything else someone might want.
The worst part of it all is that it's incredibly difficult to get other people to understand. When you feel suicidal, you don't want to tell anyone because you're scared of how they'll react. And if you do tell someone, your fears are realized, because nobody expects someone to want to be dead. I can't even begin to describe what it's like to go from admitting to someone you love that you're having suicidal thoughts, to having to do damage control for telling them that. It's the worst. You've told someone that you need help, but instead you have to help them not worry about it? It's a catch 22. If you admit to how bad you feel, you make other people feel bad.
I apologize for the giant post, and the likely incoherent rambling. I needed to get that off my chest, and hopefully it will help at least one person who doesn't get it better understand what it's like to be like Neeko. I know I shouldn't read this if it makes me unhappy, but there aren't a lot of places that you can see people like yourself when you have mental health problems, because nobody wants to think about them (and I can't blame anyone for that, I wish I had no reason to think about them either).
Thanks for sharing SushiKnight. I'm similar and am 30. Only reason I'm not suicidal is because of a near-death experience book that I've read, and just like... people don't really know how to react to you wanting to die so... I dunno. I'm slowly going insane with loneliness. Not sure when enough will be enough.
I've had some upward spirals over the last 15 years, but my endeavors fail and I just get more and more heart broken.
