“Joy/anger/sorrow/bliss” is an extremely effective motif – original, punchy, weird but entirely plausible in the story. The first time it appears, the girls do it together, but it quickly switches to Machi doing it alone; very evocative of the distance she feels between her and Miyuri. The use of facial expressions specifically is in keeping with the theme of Machi’s emotional denial in the story. And since “joy/anger/sorrow” reflects the emotional arc of Machi in the oneshot, it can also be seen as implying a happy end to the story, where she learns to accept her disinterest in drama and rebalances her relationship with Miyuri.
The progression of Machi discovering her feelings is well-executed. Because we live in Machi’s head, we too experience her denial: we only notice things are off in fleeting thoughts and through the opinions of others. Each time it returns, we learn a little more about what’s really going on, but also learn more about how much she’s suppressing – quite literally depicted by Machi covering her mouth on page 9. Her idea of them being rivals being spun from an off-hand comment really effectively emphasizes its flimsy nature; the rapid and jarring switching between convincing herself of it at knowing it’s not true is an effective depiction of a deteriorating mental state.
The visual symbolism is effectively done, reminding me a lot of A Curtain Call for You; the spotlights and confetti progress from two people in the spotlight, to one person, to her younger self, to the end of light entirely, with obvious implications for the story. Page 13, the last panel on page 21, page 22 and page 32 are especially striking, just working very well composition-wise.
Overall, I had no idea Aizaki Utau had in in her. This is one of the best oneshots I’ve read in a while, and proves she can write can write excellent stories with emotional weight as well as the comedies she’s known for. This reads as very personal and cathartic for her, but I hope she can continue writing more in this vein.
This definitely helped me figure out most of it but there are still parts I'm not quite understanding.
The way I'm interpreting this is that she's feeling pretty hollow because she no longer cares about her one (former) dream. She's not unmotivated about acting because Miyuri is better than her, she's just lost interest in it. She wishes she were frustrated by Miyuri being better, that she could see her as a rival, but she doesn't because she doesn't care about it anymore. And not caring about it frightens her because she has nothing else.
Which takes me up to page 26, but 27 to the end I'm still confused about. Was Machi going to use Miyuri wanting to be an actress as an excuse to pretend for longer? And since Miyuri is clearly saying she wants something else, Machi has nothing left, no excuses left to hide from feeling completely empty? But then page 29 implies there is an element of copying Miyuri and Miyuri not caring here as well which I don't see how it ties in with everything.
I wish this had a few more pages so I could see how Miyuri reacts to Machi quitting the club.