This is some really cool discussion here, and I want to weigh in as a trans woman. My take on this is that Saeko’s discomfort here seems to me like struggling with any kind of vulnerability. She’s holding really tightly onto unprocessed trauma and doesn’t want anyone to see it. In fact, we see that she wants to perhaps communicate her business to Miwa, but can’t, is too afraid, doesn’t know how. We don’t know all the details, but she’s clearly holding onto some stuff around attachment/vulnerability and around “exposing” her issues through having her possessiveness recognized or her issues noticed.
That combination of being alergic to vulnerability, afraid of being “seen,” and all of that intertwining with gender and sexuality is a scenario that’s really familiar with trans people, and this author writes some really realistic emotions, which make perfect sense in terms of their source, direction, and expression.
When Saeko talked about not wanting to receive, being disgusted by the way she would respond, and dissociating super hard when she was receiving, I felt that. Even the “being super critical and judgmental of yourself to keep things hidden and safe,” that was hella real. These are all defense mechanisms of retreat and withdrawal, and all of them involve not being able to inhabit and connect with your body. Saeko seems to be a top because she has to enact her sexual desire through another’s body, in much the same way I and other trans people turn to fantasy and fiction or pleasing our partners to engage with our own sexuality without involving the gendered features of our bodies.
Is Saeko “gender-y”/trans, or is she holding trauma that alienates her from her body? It’s impossible to call right now imo, but I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough.
(Also Sexy Akiba Detectives fucking rule.)