After figuring out about myself, I contacted LGBT in my area (still 4 letters in that time) to ask for some directions. And received very transphobic and unhelpful answer from some guy who continued to use wrong pronounces after all I said clearly in my mail.
I felt terrible seeing that someone who should be my people closed the door to me. I thought: "OK, I'm on my own now. I'll go my way without any support of others!"
My "parents" also did not support me. Someone of them poisoned my food after seeing that I won't give up under their pressures.
After (some kind of) divorce I was living in my city one year with my kids, taking care of them alone, "parents" bought house in some village and allure me to come to live with them. Little did I know that it was a trap to suffocate my transition in perfidious ways.
After poisoning (7 years ago), I realized it would be smarter to keep it for myself, stay where I know my enemy, than go somewhere where my enemy could be anyone.
(especially when you are trans person, already marginalized and discarded by society, what can you do when your word already means nothing? To whom to speak and how to prove, being alive, that someone killed me? Anyone would take me as an insane person)
I moved in some two-rooms storage next door, in very bad condition.
There was no water for 2,5 years, damaged walls, only outer roof.
I had to leave every luxury to keep my life safe.
I was living in inhuman conditions, appalled for months, almost speechless. Probably with some terrible PTSD (my body passed through the most terrible distress of dying), and I passed through all it by myself.
After recovering, I started to work on that place, and turned it slowly in very comfortable place for living.
I fixed walls, made new door with my own hands, some window too, got water after 2,5 years, air con, etc.
All those handy works without previous experiences.
I worked on myself in same time, without having any friends or real supporters.
For me, the most important thing was taking my life in my own hands.
Yeah, I became poor, so what? Better poor and still alive than rich and dead. When I'm alive I can work on everything to change my situation.
I saw that I'm actually very capable to overcome anything what life throws in my face, and my self respect grew a lot.
It was like living in very much war-like conditions, but for me it all was connected with my personal growth. I was someone sheltered and maybe a little bit spoiled, constantly obstructed by others to grow.
New reality gave me a chance to discover real me, to see that I'm capable to do life-changing things while having just a little.
I don't just look like some trans man who is transforming by hormones, I'm becoming visible for who I am inside.
Now I think, if I'm still here after all, maybe there is some reason why I'm here now and not buried under the ground? Maybe some day I could do something to change the world?
I'm smart enough to find my own way and contribute.
I'm very thankful to you and all the others who are fighting in your own way for the same goal as me. I'm strong individual who finds my own ways, so, however strange I am, please let me do it my way.
We'll meet "somewhere in the middle"
I hate that all of this had to happen to you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Oh, that was correct already. "throwing out" and "throwing away" are more or less the same thing. Vomiting is "throwing up". Phrasal verbs are a bit of a pain for people learning english as a second language, aren't they?