im crying so hard fuck.

why did this have to be so beautiful, so well written, and have such compelling characters.

i knew she would die but i still wanted to refuse to believe it. i knew that would be the last time they saw each other face to face. but even after her death they were able to open up heart to heart.

god. i think the way the story is written makes the reader think and care in the same way as shizuku. the story even hits harder for me too since i suffer from several different chronic illnesses (quite debilitating but not fatal thankfully).

these characters are so human. my chest feels empty from finishing the story.

Lin Luxi is so me coded....

what if you once comforted me in our childhood together and became the only thing anchoring me to my fragile sense of humanity while I embraced a falsely sunny way of living that allowed me to move through the world without friction so I could focus all of my attention on you. what if I became cold and twisted deep in my heart by my profound alienation from others and the knowledge that you might one day move away from me, and your attention moving to someone else shattered me so utterly that the only thing I could think to do was wound you in the deepest way I could, severing the connection between us and plunging me into a world of complete darkness and isolation for years knowing that you hated me. what if i embraced the knowledge that you would never love me the way I needed to so I tried to carve myself into you under your skin to prove that at some point I reached deeper than anything and anyone ever would. and what if, under it all, I found a girl who was torn and wounded by my desperate thrashing in a way I could just convince myself I wanted but who still held in her heart the same deep kindness and profound understanding I had loved so deeply, who would give it to my unworthy self, something so far beyond and yet so much short of what I wanted and needed from you, and it tore my own heart open again and again to see there was something beautiful there that I would never have, that I was choosing to smother completely so that I would at least have some place in your heart that would never slip through my fingers where I would be first and foremost, an undying wound to match my own, and what if you didn't let me because you had always hated the way I stood apart from others like I was some kind of broken angel, had always fought and struggled to tarnish me in a way that would split open my sealed off heart, let out all the hurt inside me and prove that you could reach the place I hung alone in the sky, prove once and for all that we were both girls.

holy shit you cooked.