this is a really incredible work that i'm surprised i missed, but glad i finally read it. the TLer's note at the beginning hit in a very particular way because that's also how i deal with loss (running away, isolating, shutting out reality). when a relative of mine i was very close to passed away, i didn't go to visit her. it'd overwrite my view of her and reality and make it too real, and i couldn't handle that.
in that way, i can understand how koma feels. it's so much easier to lock something in a glass case in your mind/memory than to Be There to lose it or see it change. if she acknowledges yura's bullying/abuse situation (which i'm pretty sure implies self harm. yura says she did it herself, it makes sense), she has to confront and change her view of reality, and probably admit that she knowingly let it get this bad. it's easier to look away, and easier to numb away all vulnerability (eg her feelings for yura). in a sense, she wants to have her cake and eat it too; she can't keep a safe distance AND be with yura, and so she can't give in to the ocean tide or resist it. she's so afraid to choose that her lack of it becomes a choice. ngl, i feel like this is a good illustration of the freeze response to stress.
i also think that's kind of what the ending is meant to represent? she couldn't choose, so her choice was taken from her (and now it's too late). she's trapped inside the train, which symbolizes "moving"? "going back home and leaving yura behind" and "going with her out the door" are both choices where she has to leave the train. so it's less about what happens to yura (good or bad, she made a decision) and more about koma's cowardice.
as an aside, it's interesting how yura is portrayed as the "scared", weak one. she stutters, she's battered, she's clearly a victim. and yet she's the one with the courage to change it, so at the end she's the strong one and koma clearly scared and weak. it's a clever way to emphasize it.
