Such feeling of depression hits home real hard for me. I was raped by a man when I was 13 or so, then fast forward to 2016 I was raped by a girl who then forced me to live together and have a relationship with.
We were living together for over 3 years in an abusive relationship where I had to pamper her emotional needs while I could not even express my own feeling, with her telling me I complained too much and that she had worse life than me. She was also overly possessive, not allowing me to meet my friends and always demanding to go out together all the times without giving me privacy.
By mid 2019, I was traveling alone to buy a pet rabbit food when she suddenly told me to not go home for a day. Out of curiosity, I quietly went home and found out that she two-timed me with a guy, and they slept together. I was shocked and left the town somewhere unknown for days.... then she contacted me, got mad at me because she had had enough of me, and demanded me to leave the house and pick up my belongings immediately.
It was (and still is) a rough moment as a girl with no bachelor degree in a third-world country full of religious dogmas. I was poor, could barely find a proper job, and had been living alone since 2015 after my family disowned me for being both gay and apostate. I thought when a renown local newspaper wanted to hire me, it was a turning point of my life.
But then I realized I was always alone. Like Sachie and Rika, I had no one else to tell my story with. No one to support me. I never felt safe, and all the depression I had to endure for years finally took a toll out of me when I got mild stroke on January, this year. My whole face was in pain, right hand was in non-stop tremor, and I could barely walk. And somehow, there is this disturbing ringing noise that only I could hear inside my ear, hurting my head every second with no sign of stopping to this day (and I found out it was called "Tinnitus)..
Honestly, I don't even know why I am still alive even after everything. Maybe I'm a coward who's afraid of death? I've been thinking of putting an end to everything all this time. No reason to stay alive for me. Sachie and Rika are lucky that they meet each other at their lowest point, but real life is nowhere near as hopeful as their story. Even then, I thought to myself that I was glad they didn't do what I have always wanted to do, and I hoped no one would have to endure what they and I have experienced...
you went through so much but you are no coward in my opinion. you're still fighting! and keep on fighting!! There is still beauty to be found in this cursed world and i hope you find yours
