I didn't really mean it.... But I had a breakdown at school today. It wasn't supposed to happen, but I ended up getting sad after making a few mistakes and getting scolded. In all honesty, I am afraid of teachers scolding me (I'd immediately quiet down if I were mentioned, and I'd get down in the dumps, maybe a little too far down).
I take everything too seriously sometimes. On the outside, I'd be joking it off and following, but inside, I feel as if I'm the most useless person ever. Only when I feel as if my body starts to try moving on its own and hurt myself is when I know something's wrong. My body puts in too much pressure at some part and makes it so that I'll spasm into a weird degree or something, maybe jump around and laugh? I'd have many sensations of wanting to just hit myself somewhere.
I ended up crying lots with drool coming out of my mouth and laughing at the same time. Out of all the things I hate, it may as well have been crying. Crying made me look weak, which is something I hate a lot. I felt like I just humiliated myself in front of my classmates. The teacher was concerned and brought me to the guidance person, and we talked about what happened, and what I felt that time.
Deary, I wish that wouldn't happen too much. I guess it started when we were practicing for a dance and I somehow got scolded a decent amount of times, and it made me feel like I just weighed everybody down. When I saw the next batch practice, I knew I wanted to cry. But with my hatred of crying, I tried hard not to, flashing a smile while biting my mouth to prevent myself from crying.
In the end, the balloon popped and I broke down, crying and laughing, all the while being angry. I don't know if I should question my mental health, but that's too early anyway.