@Faylicia:
I see. Based on what you shared, I'm going to tell you what I think. Be prepared, because I'm going to very blunt and direct.
Fay. Ever since you have been a small child, you have been in an emotionally extremely abusive relationship with your mother, the effects of which seem to go hand in hand with some severe abandonment issues caused by your history with your father.
When you just chose "trapped in an underground station for a long time" as a so called "random scenario", you have basically proven my assumptions. You basically feel like you've been caught in a situation you have no power over, a situation you feel alone with, for a long time and all you're really asking for is someone to reach out to you and help you out. You're calling silently, but I guess I could try and help you make your voice a little louder, so that somebody may hear. ;-)
Girl, listen. I'm sorry if this is offensive for you, but your mother is anything but a good mom or a good person in general. What you called "encouragement" and "being strict" in a way, that made it seem like you're downplaying what she did to you was actually nothing else than her forcing you on a path you never wanted to take. She may have let you choose the general setting, but she was the one writing the entire plot of the story. She put you on a leash and pulled you back and forth against your will and I am fairly certain, that the only reason, why you are defending her actions or trying to make them seem less severe than the way I put them is because for the simple reason, that she is your mother. Suffering this kind of indirect abuse at the hands of a parent is something, which never fails to leave kids whipped and utterly confused. Her actions have warped your view of what is morally right and wrong to do for a parent. You believe what she did to you and how she treated you was just a bit near the knuckle, while the truth is, that it was completely in the red zone. If you would take your story and tell it to someone, who's had supportive parents and grew up in a loving house, they would be shocked at how lax you are in describing your own pain.
You said, that you do not want your mother's affection. That you "cringe" whenever she's trying to get affectionate with you. I will keep being blunt with you: Fay, you hate her. Or at the very least, you're very angry at her, but you're only subconsciously aware of it, because for reasons I hinted at earlier: she's your mom. She and her gross actions have been in your life from the very beginning. You never knew it could be any other way, so you learned to live with how things were, subconsciously feeling like you couldn't change anything. You seem to have a lot of pent up negativity stored up inside of you and I'm guessing the only reason, why you're not unleashing it, is because your mother seems to have changed a bit for the better, so you don't see a reason for it. It is an understandable reasoning, but your heart will remember the things she has done to you even if your mind tells you it's all in the past. That is the main conflict going on inside of you. "I know she hasn't always been the best mom, but she's not that horrible now, right?" No. She is. And no matter what kind of person she is now, you have every right and every reason to be beyond mad and disappointed and hurt for the way she treated you in the past.
Take my words as they are and think about them. Let them sink in and consider them. If you come to the same conclusion as me, then here are a few pointers:
It is not rare, that kids, who have gone through similar things than you have, have this little voice in the back of their head, whispering to them, that part of it all is their own fault. That if they would've just worked harder on not disappointing their parents, maybe a few things wouldn't have happened. If you have it, ignore it. Silence that voice. It's lying to you. You parents have a responsibility to raise you properly, keep you safe and make sure you don't get hurt. Ignoring one of those 3 duties is unforgivable and absolutely not your fault. What happened to you was out of your reach. None of it was at any time in any way your fault.
Secondly, you are a grown woman by now. You are old and capable enough to have your own life to take care of. You're free. Your mother's opinion no longer counts. Maybe try to keep this in mind as a sort of mental mantra to learn to slowly cut yourself loose from her, because I honestly believe, that this is the best thing you could do for yourself. You could try talking to her and try to repair your relationship, of course. But with all that unvoiced aggression against her you seem to be holding back, I'm not sure if this would be the best idea for your own mental health.
